NCIS : Gibbs/Ducky : Maybe I Should

MAYBE I SHOULD

Ashleigh Anpilova

The seventh part of the Discovering series.

Jenny reports on her reaction to what she and the team saw in Autopsy.

An established relationship story.

Written: April 2007. Word count: 530.

Maybe I should be disgusted.

Maybe I should be angry.

But I'm not. Not really. As least not now that I've had time to think about it.

I admit that it came as a surprise, a shock even, when we walked into Autopsy and saw them. I know my face betrayed that surprise, at least to Ziva, and possibly to the others too. However, it was justified; or at least I believe it was. After all, I was Jethro's lover. And to see him kissing Ducky; kissing a man. It made me . . .

I do still care for him. Oh, I know it's over. It was over a long, long time ago. And If I am honest, I'm not entirely certain there ever was anything, at least anything real, to be 'over'. I knew I wasn't the love of his life; I knew I never could be. But I still care for him. And I guess I always will.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs is a hard habit to break. He is very difficult to get over. I'm not entirely certain you ever do get over him. And it makes you a little jealous when you see him with someone else. Or at least that's how it made me.

Or at least that's how it made me when he paraded Lieutenant Colonel Hollis Mann in front of me. I let her know that I knew. I let her know that I too had shared his bed. She didn't like me, and I didn't like her. I almost wish she could have been there today. That she could have seen them. That she could have seen what we all saw.

But that's unfair. Unfair on Jethro and Ducky. Seven of us standing staring at them must have been bad enough, at least for Ducky. Jethro, as always, was unfazed by it all.

Maybe I should demand their resignations. Oh, I could. I could make life difficult for them; very difficult for them. And I considered it.

Maybe I should . . .

Maybe I should do a lot of things.

Maybe I should feel a lot of things.

But I won't. And I don't.

Why?

Because in those few seconds, I caught a glimpse of the real Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

I caught a glimpse of what he is like when he is in love. Of what he is like when he truly loves.

I caught a glimpse of happiness.

I caught a glimpse of the happiness I wish I could believe that I will one day have.

I have often wondered, since I met Jethro, whether anyone could truly make him happy. Today I saw that someone could. It wasn't quite the 'someone' I'd ever considered; I honestly had no idea that he was bisexual. But it was someone, and that is what is important. That is what matters.

I'm not certain how I'm going to do it, but somehow I have to let them know that I am not going to cause trouble for them. It will not be an easy conversation, I'm sure of that. But it is one that somehow I am going to have to have.

Damn you, Jethro.

Damn you for making me love you.

LINKS TO ALL THE STORIES IN THE DISCOVERING SERIES

What Have I Done?

Disturbed

He Always Does

I Know How He Felt

Surprised

I Told Them

Maybe I Should

They're Everything

The Last Day