THEIR REAL GOODBYE

By

Nikki Harrington

The war is over and Hawkeye and BJ are saying goodbye.

An established relationship story.

Written: March 2010. Word count: 1,000.

It was over.

The war was over.

They were over.

Hawkeye leans out of the helicopter and sees the message written in the stones BJ had left before he'd ridden off on the motor-bike. 'Goodbye'. The word BJ had never said, not as they stood and hugged for one last time or when they'd said their real goodbye a short time before the 'public' one.

As he settles down into his seat for the journey back to civilization, Hawkeye's mind goes back several hours.

Wrapped in one another's arms, hands clutching shirts, lips pressed against lips, bodies pushed together, in 'their' place, they know it will be the final time. Their final time.

Hawkeye knows that; he's always known it. Right from the very first time he and BJ kissed, touched, made love, he knew there would be 'no happy ever after' for them. There couldn't be. As much as he hated the war, the hell hole they lived in, part of him had wanted it to go on and on indefinitely, because while it went on, he'd still have BJ.

"Hawk -" But Hawkeye doesn't want to talk. What is there to say anyway? So he just puts his mouth back on BJ's and kisses him again, kissing him into silence. And as he kisses the man he loves, he catalogues BJ's scent, the way he feels in his arms, the way he tastes, the way the damned moustache tickles him.

It hurts; it huts so much. Maybe, just maybe, if he'd known at the beginning quite how much it would hurt, he wouldn't have started. Maybe. Or maybe not.

"Hawk." This time BJ won't let himself be kissed into silence again. He's taller than Hawkeye and stronger; he holds him tightly, gripping his arms as he looks at Hawkeye.

Beaten, for the moment at least, Hawkeye sags slightly. "Yeah?" he says and waits. But BJ says nothing; he just looks at Hawkeye with pain-filled eyes. "I . . ." He finally manages. "Hawk, I . . ." But again he trails off.

Hawkeye swallows. "Me too." This time it's BJ who pulls him back into his embrace; BJ who puts his mouth back on Hawkeye's; BJ who kisses him with love, sorrow, passion and despair.

It was over.

The war was over.

They were over.

He'd go back to Crabapple Cove, his dad and his practice. BJ would go back to Peg and Erin - just as Hawkeye had always known he would. It'd be good to see his dad again; he'd missed him and he'd missed home. But he'd give it up; he'd give it all up in a heartbeat if the man in his arms would remain the man in his arms.

But this isn't a fairytale and Hawkeye isn't some imprisoned princess about to be rescued by a knight on a white horse and taken away to safety where they'd live happily forever. This is realty. A reality far worse than the one he's lived though for the years he's been in Korea.

This was goodbye. This was final. This was hell. And yet, he wouldn't go back, not even if he could; he knows that. If he had the chance to go back and relive the last few years, he'd live them exactly the same way. Because to have loved and been loved by BJ even if for only a short time was better than not at all.

BJ broke the kiss again. "Hawk," he says again, this time brushing Hawkeye's hair back from his forehead. "I could -"

"No!" Hawkeye shouts the word. "No," he says more softly. "No." Just for a second he doesn't know who he hates more: BJ for what he'd been about to say or himself for what he would have said had he not stopped BJ.

He has to be the strong one. He has to let BJ walk away from him. He has to let him go. He has to let this be goodbye. He has to love him enough to do that - and he does. He really does. If only they could have a few more hours, a few more days, a few more months, a - He stops that insidious thought. What kind of man is he to wish for the war to have gone on?

"No," he says a fourth time. He puts a hand on BJ's cheek. "No, Beej."

"I love you." It's the first time BJ has ever said the words, and for him to say them at this time is almost Hawkeye's undoing.

He swallows hard, but doesn't attempt to stop the tears from forming in his eyes. "I know," he says quietly. "You've got Peg, Erin. I've got Dad. We'll be okay. Now kiss me one more time and then get the hell out of here before I -"

BJ kisses him. Tenderly, without the passion they usually share, with more love than he's ever betrayed before. The kiss is sweet, tender, moving, loving, bitter-sweet and painful; Hawkeye wants it to never end.

But it does.

It ends just as the war has ended.

Just as they have ended.

"I'll write," BJ says when they finally break apart and move from one another's arms.

Hawkeye just nods once. There won't be any letter coming to Crabapple Cove from Mill Valley, and for that Hawkeye will forever be grateful.

"Take care, Hawk."

"You too, Beej."

BJ turns to go. Then stops and glances back. "Thank you, Hawkeye," he says. This time when he walks away he doesn't stop.

'Thank you'. Two words that covered so many years and so many things, from Hawkeye's understanding and compassion to BJ's first reaction to war-hit Korea, to Hawkeye stopping him from finishing his sentence, and every moment in-between.

"Be happy, Beej," he whispers, wiping his eyes before following BJ.

As the helicopter flies through the sky, Hawkeye closes his eyes and lets himself slip into the first sleep he feels he's had in many years.

It was over.

The war was over.

They were over.

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