I DO NOT WISH TO LOVE HIM
By
Ashleigh Anpilova
Ducky doesn't want to love Jethro. But he cannot not love him.
A pre-slash story.
Written: May 2013. Word count: 1,500.
I do not wish to love him. I do not wish to love Jethro. However, I can find no way not to love him.
You would have thought by now, after more than two decades of being close friends, of watching him marry and divorce three times, of seeing him date and bed one woman after another, after another, of knowing that whilst he loves me, and I know he does love me, it is only as a friend, that I would have ceased to love him. But I have not. I cannot.
'Only' is not a word I should use to describe the friendship Jethro and I have, because to do so is to devalue it, to lessen if, to make it seem just like any other friendship he may have; when I truly know this is not the case. Jethro cares about the children, all five of them, he and Tobias are good friends, he and Mike shared a closeness that at times even I could not comprehend, but he does not (or sadly in Mike's case he did not) love them as he loves me.
We are a close, as intimate, as two people can be who are not actual physical lovers; thus I am not 'only' a friend. And yet of course I am. As much as he loves me, cares about me and my welfare, as much as I know he would do just about anything for me, he does not and will never see me with the eyes of a lover.
And yet even after all the years that have gone by, I still cannot cease to love him. I cannot cease to allow myself to imagine, to dream, that one day he will see me as I wish him to see him. I cannot close my heart to the feelings, I wish I could; I truly and honestly wish I could find a way to do that thing. To tell my heart 'stop; enough is enough; stop loving him'. But how can I? How can it be possible to do such a thing? Is it even possible to do such a thing? I know not. I only know I cannot stop loving him.
Three times I have stood by his side as his best man and listened to him exchange vows with women. Three times I have stood by his side and watched him kiss them, smile at them, tell them he loves them. Three times I have done that thing and yet all three times in effect I closed my eyes to what was happening. I did not wish to be there; I did not wish to stand by his side; I did not wish to be his best man. I did not wish to see him look at the women as I wished he would look at me; I did not wish to hear him pledge to love them until death separated them and to be faithful to them. And so, although I was there by his side, as I have always been, I did in effect close my eyes to what was happening.
If only I could close my heart to the love I feel for him as easily. If only I could find a way to cease to love him. For I do not wish to love him; I do not wish to love him - not any longer; not after all these years. I no longer wish to love him; truly I do not; but I cannot not love him. There was a time many years ago now, when I did wish to love him; of course I did.
When I was younger and believed in true love and destiny and soul mates and saw before me the man I knew I was destined to love and wanted to love. And love him I did and I took great pleasure in loving him. But I no longer wish to love him; I want to cease to love him because whilst I still love him, whilst my heart will not let me stop loving him, I am unable to love anyone else.
I do not wish to go on looking at him and wishing for things I know will never happen. I no longer wish to feel envy when I see him look at a woman, take her out, hold her in his arms. I no longer want to find myself wishing I was she. But I cannot.
I have tried; believe me I have tried to stop loving him. I have forced myself to see him without the eyes of love, to focus on his faults (which in truth there are many) and not on the good things about him. I have done that. I have seen how he treats people; I have heard his irritation; I have watched him manipulate people and situations; I have allowed him to manipulate him; I have seen of what he is capable.
He has taken many lives in the course of his career both as a marine and an NCIS agent. And a few of those lives have been people who were completely innocent, those who happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time; those who disobeyed his order to remain still. 'Suicide by cop' he calls it. I have seen him dismiss fellow agents who find it hard to come to terms with having taken the life of someone who was innocent; I have heard his almost callous tone as he all but dismisses their sensibilities.
And I know he is not just a killer; he is a murderer. He murdered the man who murdered Shannon and Kelly. He took his revenge; something of which even I was not aware until many, many years after the event. I believe it was that which formed the bond between him and Mike; the knowledge that they both knew what he had done; the knowledge that they both knew how Mike had left him alone with the file; left him alone knowing full well what he had planned to do.
He is a murderer and revenge or not, for that act I should despise him; I should no longer be capable of loving him. But I do not despise him and I do still love him.
I close my eyes to things about him I do not wish to see; wish to know, and yet even as I do that, I still know exactly what he is and when it comes down to it, when honesty outs, Leroy Jethro Gibbs is not a nice man. He is an honorable one; a loyal one; he'll fight for people and things in which he believes; he cares, even when he tries to act as though he does not; he is an honest as it is possible for anyone in law enforcement to be. But he is not nice.
So I can and do close my eyes to the parts of him I do not wish to see, but I will never forget they are there. I know him; I know him better than any living, breathing person knows him, and there are times I truly wish I did not know him so well. I know to what lengths he will go; I know; I forgive; I even understand.
No, is not nice. I know that; I admit that. He is what he is and he will never change and maybe I would not wish him to do so.
However, I too am unable to change, no matter how much I wish to. No matter how much I want to wake up and realize I no longer love him; no matter how often I tell myself to let go of the feelings I have for him; no matter how frequently I tell myself he will never love me as I love him; no matter how many times I remind myself of what he has done, it is not enough.
My heart will not allow me to cease to love him even though I do not wish to love him. I want to close my heart to the feelings I have for him, but I cannot and I fear now as I am close to entering my seventh decade that I will never be able to do so.
I am destined to love him until I die and if there is an afterlife, then I truly believe I shall be destined to love him long after death takes me from the mortal world. There is no way I will ever be able to close my heart to him; to close my heart to the feelings I have for him; to close my heart to the love I feel for him. There is simply no way for me to do so.
I do not wish to love him. I do not wish to love Jethro. However, I can find no way not to love him.
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