Ducky is hurting.
An established relationship story.
Written: June 2012. Word count: 500.
I wish I could explain why it hurt me so much; but I cannot. I just know of all the hurts he has caused me over the years we have been friends and more, this hurt me far more than anything he has ever done. It hurt me more than him choosing women over me, of always assuming, well knowing, that I will be here waiting for him after yet another relationship with a woman fails.
I cannot tell anyone that he hurt me so deeply, because they would not understand; indeed, I am not even certain I understand myself. It is so unlike me that something so simple, something so small, has hurt me so much. It's foolish, I know that, for me to feel so let down, so badly treated and yet I do. I shouldn't; I know that. Indeed I feel somewhat ashamed, guilty even that I do feel so hurt, because it makes me feel as though I am - I cannot even say it.
I certainly cannot tell him how much he has hurt me. And yet he knows something is wrong, he must do. Indeed, I know he knows; I see it in the way he looks at me; I hear it in his voice when he says my name; I see a puzzled look come over his face and I keep waiting for him to ask me what is wrong. Yet I know he won't ask; he knows something is amiss, but he won't ask me what it is; he is not that kind of man.
I know he is busy; I know he has a lot on his mind; I know there are far more important things in his life. But then there always are. There always will be. And I know that if he knew how much he had hurt me, he would feel guilty, he would hurt, he would even break his own rule and apologize to me. But then his rules have never applied when it comes to me. I don't want to tell him, not just because I know he'll be upset and feel guilty, but because he'd try to make it right. And he cannot make it right. Not now.
I know how much I mean to him; I have always known it. He shows me; he tells me. Even throughout his marriages and the other women in his life I have always known I am still the most important person to him; that without me in his life, his life has less meaning. I know that; I do; so why am I allowing this simple thing to hurt me so much?
I must stop this feeling; I have to. I must stop it; I must combat it before I let it get in the way of our future. Because today he gave me what I have always wanted: his commitment. I must look to that; to our future together; not to the irrational hurt he has caused.
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