ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH
Jimmy wants to try something once - but then he realizes he wants more.
A first time story.
Written: April 2013. Word count: 1,635.
He had always intended it to be just the once. After all he loved Breena, didn't he? At least he thought he loved Breena. At least he was fairly sure he liked Brenna a lot. At least he knew he liked spending time with Breena; she was fun, she was easy to talk to, she laughed at his jokes, she seemed to like him, she even thought he was good-looking. She understood him; she didn't think it was strange that he enjoyed his job, that he didn't mind spending his day with dead bodies. Yes, he liked Breena, he liked her a lot. He even sometimes thought he might ask her to marry him. He could do a lot worse than spend the rest of his life with Breena.
So why was he even considering what he was considering? If he loved Breena and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her then surely he shouldn't be thinking about someone else in the way he was thinking about them - especially not when the someone else was another man.
But he was thinking about it and he'd been thinking about it for quite some time now. He'd thought about it even when he wasn't prepared to admit he was thinking about it. In fact if he was about to be honest with himself, he had to confess the thought had flashed through his mind from the moment they had met. However, he'd never thought anything would come of it because the other man wasn't gay and he wasn't gay - he wasn't even bi, was he? Did considering doing what he was considering doing make him bi?
He really didn't know; he just knew that he'd never considered doing anything with someone of his own sex before and doubted he would ever think about doing it with anyone other than Tim McGee. And if it hadn't been for a conversation he'd overheard between Tim and Ned Dorneget where Tim had confessed he'd (in his words) messed around a few times with boys at school and at college, he wouldn't have considered doing anything with Tim, because he'd always believed Tim was completely straight.
But once he had overheard Tim and Dorneget, he couldn't stop thinking about it, he couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to kiss Tim, to touch him, to have Tim touch him, to - He found he was going out of his way during the day to see Tim; if something needed to be taken to the squad room or to Abby he would volunteer to take it even before Dr. Mallard had a chance to ask him. One morning as he got ready for work he even found himself considering dropping by Tim's favorite coffee shop - but he'd decided that really was becoming too stalkerish.
However, despite being everywhere Tim was, Tim didn't seem to really notice him, at least not in a way that was different from the way he'd always noticed him. He always seemed pleased to see Jimmy, well at least Jimmy thought he did. He always found the time, no matter how busy he was to say 'hey' and pass the time of day with Jimmy - but that was all.
Finally, Jimmy decided to take his courage in both hands and be the one to ask Tim to join him for dinner or a drink. He hadn't quite decided which to go for, dinner might be too much but a drink didn't seem quite enough, when he hurried into the squad room to put one of Dr. Mallard's report on Gibbs's desk. He found it virtually empty, Gibbs, Tony and Ziva were all out and only Tim was sitting at his desk, staring at his computer screen as he tapped various keys on his keyboard.
He decided it was now or never and only stammering once managed to invite Tim out for dinner that very evening. When Tim smiled at him, flushed just a little and said in a tone that made Jimmy shiver with pleasure, that he'd be delighted to have dinner with Jimmy, Jimmy knew he'd done the right thing.
And that is what they'd done. They'd fallen into an easy conversation, the kind Jimmy could never remember having before, not even with Breena; they laughed at the same jokes, discovered they had similar tastes in films and music as well as also liking quite different things. They had lingered over coffee, still taking, still laughing, still looking at one another. Jimmy didn't want the evening to end and from the way Tim was looking at him and the tone in his voice he didnít want it to end either.
However, he wasn't certain if inviting Tim back to his apartment would be the right thing to do; they had to work together, what if - And then Tim asked him to join him for a drink in his apartment and Jimmy found himself saying 'yes' before he even really thought about it.
That had been the previous night and it hadn't ended with just a drink. Jimmy didn't know who had kissed who first, if he really thought about it he seemed to recall it was simultaneous, lips just met lips, just as hands started to wander and bodies started to react. They made out like teenagers on Tim's couch before finally moving to Tim's bed where Jimmy discovered the joys of sharing a bed with another man - a very naked man. And it had all seemed so right, so natural, even though sleeping with someone on a first date was something Jimmy had never done before.
Maybe it was because in many ways even though they'd never been out alone, they did know one another, it wasn't as if they were perfect strangers; they were co-workers and friends, they didn't have that initial getting to know you stage to overcome.
What they did together was pretty innocent really, especially given what Jimmy had heard gay men did. They kissed, they touched, they stroked, they shared the pleasure of climaxes, but that was all - but it was far more beautiful, moving, honest and pure than anything Jimmy had ever done before.
And now as Jimmy showered in his own bathroom, having left Tim's apartment just before dawn, he thought again about how right it had been; how nearly perfect it had been; how he was glad he'd invited Tim out to dinner; how he was glad he'd accepted Tim's invitation to go home with him. And as he washed the shampoo from his hair he realized something - something more than a little devastating; something that would have an impact on more than one person.
He realized, he understood, that once was not going to be enough. That he didnít want, that he couldn't bear, for last night to have been 'it'. He had thought, he had believed, he had truly and honestly believed that it was just as case of trying something he'd never tried before and discovering what it was like and having done that, he would be happy to return to his life as it was.
But now that he'd shared kisses and caressing with Tim, now that they'd talked and laughed together, now that they'd discovered what they had in common and what things were different, he knew he couldn't go back to his life. Once with Timothy McGee was quite definitely not enough. He wanted more; he wanted much more; he wanted it all; he wanted Tim in his life, as his friend and lover for life.
However, before he could even begin to walk down that path there was something he had to do first; something he realized that he should have done before. He made a quick call to Dr. Mallard and explained there was something really important he had to do before he went to work and asked if it would be all right if he was a little late. He wasn't overly surprised when Dr. Mallard had assured him it would be quite all right.
As he drove from Breena's apartment to the navy yard he felt a mixture of both happiness and a hint of sadness. He still liked Breena and he hoped they would be able to remain friends and part of him still loved her, but in the way you loved a friend or a sister. Breaking up with her had been both easier and harder than he'd expected. She seemed to almost be waiting for it; she seemed if not relieved than not deeply saddened. As he'd kissed her cheek and walked away from her, he wondered if it had been a case of neither of them wanting to be alone and liking one another enough not to let go.
He pulled into the navy yard just as Gibbs and his team was heading towards Gibbs's sedan. "You're late, Palmer," Gibbs called.
"Yes, Special Agent Gibbs, sir," Jimmy said, managing to trip over his own feet as he got out of the car and also drop his keys.
Gibbs rolled his eyes but merely said, "Ducky's just getting the van, if you're quick you can catch him."
"Yes, Spec- Yes, Gibbs," Jimmy said, hastily locking the door of his car and racing off.
"McGee!" Jimmy heard Gibbs snap.
"What are you waiting for?"
"Then get in the car."
Jimmy dared to pause for a second or two and look around; he could have sworn that Tim was staring in his direction. Just in case he was he smiled before turning and continuing on his way to find Dr. Mallard.
Oh, yes, he thought as he ran, once with Timothy McGee was definitely not enough.
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