TIME
By
Nikki Harrington
Ray makes a decision.
An established relationship story.
Written: June 2007. Word Count: 600.
This above all — to thine ownself be true;
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
HAMLET - ACT I SCENE III
It was time.
Time he stopped lying to his family.
Time he stopped lying to his friends.
Time he stopped lying to Benny.
But most of all, time he stopped lying to himself.
So he was gay. Or bi. Or whatever the hell they wanted to call him. So what?
So he loved another man. A Canadian. A member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
He loved him. He was in love with him.
It wasn't just about sex.
About physical gratification.
Maybe it had been once. Maybe.
But it wasn't now.
Benny had told him. Had told him more than once. Had told him he loved him. Had showed him too.
But Ray had just ignored it. Had told himself that it was just Benny. Had told himself that Benny couldn't fuck without love. Whereas Ray . . . Whereas Ray could. He'd done so. Not often, but he had.
So he was a Catholic. A divorced Catholic. God hadn't struck him dead for getting divorced. His family hadn't disowned him, well they couldn't really, not with Frannie doing the same thing. His mom would still love him; he knew that.
He'd tried. He'd really tried. All his life he'd tried. Tried to ignore what he'd known from his teenage years.
Tried to ignore that he preferred men to women.
Tried to tell himself it was just something boys went through.
And as long as it was just physical, then it didn't count. Fucking another man, being fucked by him, jerking off together, touching one another, was okay. That stuff didn't make you gay.
Gay was when you cared.
Gay was when you kissed.
Gay was when you went on dates.
Gay was when you did something for him even though you didn't want to, and moaned about doing it.
Gay was when you looked forward to seeing the other man.
Gay was when if you didn't see him one day, it was a bad day.
Gay was when you put the other man before yourself.
Gay was when you were in love.
Gay was when you loved.
Gay was when you did things with the other man you'd normally only do with a woman.
That was being gay.
And Ray wasn't gay.
Except . . .
Except . . .
Except . . .
He did care about Benny. He cared a lot. A hell of a lot.
He did kiss Benny. Because Benny liked kissing.
He and Benny did go on what could be called 'dates'.
He spent most of his days doing things for Benny, such as crawling through dumpsters and canoeing through sewers, even though he didn't want to, and moaned about having to do it.
He did look forward to seeing Benny every day. That's why he drove him around so much.
He was miserable and irritable if he didn't see Benny for a day.
He put Benny before himself, all the time.
He was . . .
He was . . .
He was in love with Benny.
He loved Benny.
He did plenty with Benny that he'd normally only ever do with a woman. Sometimes they didn't have sex, they just sat and held hands or talked. Or . . .
He was gay.
He was in love.
He was in love with another man.
He was in love with Benny.
He was in love with Benton Fraser.
He was in love with Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
He was in love.
And it was time.
It was time.
Time he stopped lying to his family.
Time he stopped lying to his friends.
Time he stopped lying to Benny.
But most of all, time he stopped lying to himself.
Feedback is always appreciated