Nikki Harrington


A companion piece to X Means I Love You.

Benny writes a letter to Ray.

An established relationship story.

Written: February 2009. Word count: 460.





Dear Ray,


More than once over our partnership you have told me I am the most annoying man in the world. You have passed comment on the Inuit stories I tell, and the fact that I seem to have words for anything and everything. Well finally my words fail me. I do not know how to write a letter to you, how to tell you in writing what I feel for you.


I had hoped that, as this is my seventh attempt, I would be able to, especially on this day, this day that was made for lovers.  A day to which I had hitherto paid very little, if any attention, not until I met you, and then it all changed. Just as so much in my life changed. And did so for the better.


I had hoped that somehow I would find the words to tell you how much I miss you, how much I still love you. Many times since I returned from Canada to find that you had gone away, I have thought about going back to Canada and waiting for you there. However, I have not done so, nor will I do so. Because my being in Chicago, my working with the man who is pretending to be you, is a small, but nonetheless, vital part of your mission being a success. So I stay here, even though I really do not wish to be here with the memories of you and what we had.


I have mentioned, in my other letters, your stand-in - Stanley Raymond Kowalski. He is a good man, a good detective and finally, after several months, I feel we are beginning to become friends, that we have gone beyond just a working respect for one another. It is not the same as working with you, nor can it ever be, but it makes having to be with him for several hours each day more bearable.


And I know in time that the day will come when you will return. Return to Chicago and return to me and because I know this fact, that is another reason why I stay here. I want to be here for you when you return. And I will be.


There, I have once again run out of words to say and still I have not said anything, not anything of importance, not the things I wanted to say. Why is it so hard, Ray? Why, when I feel the way I do about you is, it so hard? Maybe it is a good thing that you will never get to read these letters.


I will write to you again next month.


In the meantime I remain yours respectfully,


Benton Fraser





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